We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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