separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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