Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
