I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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