my mouth tastes like poor choices
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
