WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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