sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
