I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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