it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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