and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
