I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
