Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
