I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize