My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I faked an abortion last night.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my liver is dry heaving
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
