just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
