Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
