How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
