I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My penis needs a shock collar
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
