Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
