what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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