for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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