I think I died a long time ago.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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