Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
