So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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