If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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