dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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