Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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