i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
