Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
