meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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