Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
