I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
