You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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