I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
