people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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