Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
