I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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