I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
