She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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