She went from zero to smokin in five shots
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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