After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
