She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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