between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
