we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
