i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
