if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
