Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
