he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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