Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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