remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
