You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
