he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
