why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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