I just threw up on my dentist
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
