Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
