We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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