There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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