Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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