I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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