I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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