He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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