I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
