i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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